[Raylan knew he had to chose his words carefully here. It wasn't an easy question. This was all.. Complicated. Doubly so after the last breach. After their last conversation.]
You're a grown woman, makin' choices of consent. I'd be an asshole if I weren't okay with that. [That wasn't the same thing and he knew it, but it was the best way he could think of to safely phrase where he felt he had to stand.]
[This felt like a trap. A mistake. A conversation that was going to come back some day and bite him in the ass one way or another. But he'd also been married twice and frankly, he knew that tone. His options were lie and hurt her or tell the truth and possibly still hurt her.
He takes a few seconds himself before he responds.]
Okay isn't the word I'd use for it. But I know where I stand in the.. the mess of everythin'. It's not my place to be anythin' other than some semblance of okay. Those boundaries.... help. We're all adults here. I.. kinda figured you were sleepin' with him already so it wasn't so much a surprise.
[ honesty is all she wants, even if she expects it to be brutal because it's all she's got her entire life and all she's given back. he'd learn that about her eventually, if he hasn't already.
surprisingly, what he says stings more than she lets on and she can't hide it in her voice. ]
Where you stand in the mess of things? Do you think I have you ranked on a list? There's you and there's Sweeney. And you're not just 'okay'.
[ she struggles with articulating, and before she can even think about it the words come out. ]
More than what? [More than friend? Lover? More than just someone who understands how she feels as a person in the world who's seen some shit? His gut was already giving him an answer, but for once, he was trying to ignore that gut brain.]
You and Sweeney.. He loves you. I don't know if he knows it yet or if he's said anything but. [Raylan knew the seeds of it all when he saw it.] I don't want to get in the way of that.
I want the both of you to be happy. You guys deserve to know what that feels like. [It was the most subtle him cutting himself out of a picture, but it was, at least, more honest on its face than he'd been before.]
[ she says it quietly, somewhere between him asking her the first question and Sweeney being in love with her. she thinks she understands now. getting rejected is something else that's new. she's usually the one doing the rejecting. and wow does it feel shitty. how had she missed the signs?
because she's turned into a fucking fool. the kind who foolishly believed she'd been brought back by a potion that needed blood from someone who loved her but didn't really. not the same someone who was on the barge, even though he'd become more than just some fuck buddy.
she was the fucking fool who left herself open to the charm of some Southern gentleman after a breach fucked with her head. Raylan talks about lists but she knows he's got lovers. she's tempted to ask where she ranks in it.
but with all the doubt running through her head of never being worth something to someone, she knows better than to think she even deserves any kind of real happiness. ]
I don't agree. He's fucked up and broken and that's not what he's looking for. Not from me. He's just looking for an escape like the rest of us. Maybe try and smooth over whatever guilt he feels about me or what he did because Wednesday made him. After he died, it didn't fucking matter anymore.
[ a pause ]
Look, I know the confines of what we decided to be and the breach played with that. I'll understand if you think you need to change those perimeters.
[More than I had any right to. He was glad this was over the phone and not face to face so she couldn't see the passing look of surprise on his features before it's tucked behind pressed lips of thought.
He doesn't interrupt. He doesn't argue. It hurt him for her that she felt that way about Red. That Red felt that way about her, though everything was taken with a grain of perspective salt.
He's silent for a long handful of stretching seconds.]
And if I don't? Think I need to change the parameters. What then? [What if he still wants to try to have those 'be in the moment and feel it' moments with her. What if he wasn't rejecting anything, just still unable to promise like he was before.]
[ she had a lot of time while holding a box of his ashes to her chest to realize what was, wouldn't be. coming here changed that, of course, but only insofar that sweeney and her seemed to be good at fucking each other to distract themselves from answering the more important questions. but that was between them.
laura prepares for a very different answer and finds herself letting go of a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. ]
Then nothing changes. Everything stays the same.
[ it goes unsaid, but she needs him; his touch, his attention, and the way he makes her feel seen. ]
I like being around you. I don't want to give that up.
[Nothing changes. Everything stays the same. Except it wasn't the same and going forward it wasn't going to be the same. Love changed things. Of course it did. But they could pretend. They could work through it.]
I don't want to give it up either. An' maybe that makes me greedy, I don't know..
Will you come see me? [They should talk more, but it seemed like the hardest part of it was done and over with and the rest.. Well, the rest would be better face to face.]
Laura doesn't take long and is there within fifteen minutes. She opts for something a little more casual; a longer floral midi skirt with a plain white t-shirt and her hair up in a loose bun. It seems the smarter choice since showing up in what he saw her in last seemed wrong on a whole bunch of levels.
She lets herself in, as he'd instructed, slipping off her flats at the door before padding her way through and tilting her head to see if she could spot him. But as soon as she stops at the door she can see him down by the shoreline.
He likely already knew she arrived, but she slips a hand onto his shoulder to let him know she was there before sitting down beside him in the sand.
Raylan was camped out at the shoreline, barefoot with his jeans rolled up to his calf, wearing the simple tshirt he'd had under his flannel earlier. He looks over as she pads out onto the small porch and down the shallow stairs towards him, smiling softly as she sets a hand on his shoulder.
"You want a beer?" He'd already opened his but there was another sticking in the sand next to him, ready for her if she wanted it. If not, well. He could handle swallowing down two beers.
"I'd love one," she says, taking it by the top and testing to see if it was a screw cap and if it's not, she waits for some help with whatever trusty device he has hidden to pop off the top.
She remembers the last time she was in his beach, and the flurry of excitement they were enveloped in makes the view a little more of a first time for her. But it's him that she focuses on before taking a sip of the beer.
He pops the top off with his ring before handing it over and picks up his own for a sip as he leans back on a hand, looking over at her from across his shoulder.
"Let me ask you somethin' darlin'. Are you ashamed of what you get up to with Red? Or... ashamed of someone seein' you lettin' half your walls down with someone else?"
Laura clues in pretty quickly why he asked her over and once the question is out of Raylan's mouth, she can't help but blink a few times and look a little speechless. Not that she won't answer the question but it is one he didn't expect him to ask. Actually, she found the question to be one of the better ones she's been put on the spot with.
"No," she answers truthfully, shaking her head. After everything she and Sweeney have explored together so far, Laura can easily say that the markings she's received from him haven't been intentionally covered up. But then no one has asked about them either. "But I've found myself in a situation where I'm a little more worried about what someone I care about thinks about me and the... certain things I do when I'm letting half my walls down."
That someone she cares about is him, if he doesn't pick up on it.
"I think you and him have somethin'. Maybe it ain't love, maybe you're right, but. There's somethin' there, and I ain't blind or stupid. But I ain't about to judge how you enjoy him, darlin', or you enjoyin' him at all. I'd be a hypocrite if I did that.." Considering all he's done. He shifts and lifts an arm in invitation for her.
"I think you're tryin' to find some peace. We both are. I've got no-.." He lets a breath out of his nose.
"Olenor and Astrah haunt me. What they had. And while my position hasn't changed, I don't wanna lose you. I don't care that you're sleepin' with Red and I don't care how. That's not gonna make me care any less about you."
She didn't deny there was something, but Laura wasn't sure it went as deep as Raylan might have thought it did. Or, maybe it was hard to because they hadn't talked about it since the memory flood. That was when a distinct and very bold line was made regarding a certain potion and her coming back to life.
Laura keeps her gaze out on the water, though she's not looking at it. Whatever argument she might have had where Sweeney and she were concerned seemed to be shoved under a stack of unfiled shit. Finding herself nodding, she takes another sip of her beer.
Peace would be nice. Only at the moment, it feels more like a pipe dream, sitting out of arms reach with a lot of other things she'd love to have. Someone was within arms reach and she smiles in acceptance of his invitation to get closer, which she doesn't hesitate to take.
"You won't lose me," Laura tells him honestly, shaking her head and leaning her head against the front of his shoulder. He's become something of a constant for her; a safe harbour. When she's with him the world slows down, at least long enough for her to enjoy their time together. "And thank you for telling me that. It's been a while since somebody did."
Raylan had almost worried that she wouldn't and he'd feel like a fool that was dumb enough to be overconfident in the offering. But he liked the feeling of her tucked against him, and the way he felt warmer in his chest for the contact.
He hums at her first answer, giving her a faint smile as she leans against him. He knew that they were talking about the time that they had here, provisions built in. That didn't mean it still wasn't going to hurt. That he was going to lose her anyway. He grips her shoulder a little.
"If it's been a while since you've heard that, then I should make sure the rest of what you oughta be hearin' is up to date." He smiles down at her.
"You're beautiful. You're funny. Ballsy as hell and more brave and darin' than any woman I've ever known and I'm glad to know you."
Compliments like the ones he was giving were new, too, and the way her cheeks warmed and turn a soft pink was an indication of that. She will never expect it but it is nice to hear someone take the time to say it and her confidence is boosted a little more in that moment.
She smiles, gaze bouncing from his eyes to his lips while a hand comes up to touch his face lightly.
"You know it's going to go to my head, right? Guess I'll have to kiss you for it," she hums seriously, though it's clear she's feigning a laugh.
The smile spreads at her touch, breaking towards a grin at her threat and he lifts his eyebrows in amusement.
"Oh no, what a terrible fate for both your head an' my lips," he teases, bending down to meet her and steal her lips before she can steal his. He's temped to lean back, to lay into the sand with her, but the worry that it was too soft, too- too intimate won the internal argument.
He breaks the kiss with a smile.
"I want you to be comfortable here, darlin'. A retreat if you want. A place you're not gonna get judged.. A place where we can both be okay." He wanted the security too. He was looking for people he could be himself with. Properly himself. As 'himself' as he can be.
The moment his lips take and hold hers, she can't help the delighted sound she makes. Maybe it was because it came after the kind words he told her but the kiss was one of the best she's ever had. Whatever it was, it came from him and she'd happily take everyone that he could spare.
A place where we can both be okay.
Her smile mirrors his and turns warmer as he speaks and her eyes turn softer. Up until the moment he said it, she never knew a place like that existed, but she really likes the idea of a place where she didn't have to feel like her past was something to discuss or there to remind her of all the reasons she wasn't good enough before. It was a place to hide away from the world with someone who was okay with her figuring herself out as she went.
A place where they could be Astrah and Olenor, if only for the night.
"I already do," Laura says, nodding slightly. "And right here is the safest place I've felt in a long time."
No, not the beach, as lovely as it was, but right there under his arm.
It was never in question how beautiful Laura was, but there was something special about the way her eyes shined up at him, the way the apples of her cheek were full with her smile. She needed someone that could make her look like that every day. That welcome distraction aside, everyone kept telling everyone what they deserved and if he deserved a place to be himself, so did she. He was happy it was something, one of the few things, that he could provide. Life was messy. So were they. He'd rather be working on it with company than chewing over it alone.
"To the very best of my ability, Laura. That I promise you." He kisses her again, arm strong around her shoulders as he pulls her in. This time he does lay back, taking her with him if she'd let him and by nature of his hold, aiming to settle her head on his arm. When the kiss breaks, he speaks again.
"An' I've even got a spare room if you need to use it." If she needed a safe place but one that could give her space of her own, armed cowboy a complimentary security package downstairs.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I'm not sure I was. Not seeing me like that.
Were you okay seeing me like that?
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You're a grown woman, makin' choices of consent. I'd be an asshole if I weren't okay with that. [That wasn't the same thing and he knew it, but it was the best way he could think of to safely phrase where he felt he had to stand.]
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[ There's another pause. A deep breath. ]
Is that what you want to say? Or is that what you think you should say, Raylan? Go ahead, be the asshole.
And if I'm wrong and that's really how you feel, I'm sorry I reacted the way I did when you showed up.
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He takes a few seconds himself before he responds.]
Okay isn't the word I'd use for it. But I know where I stand in the.. the mess of everythin'. It's not my place to be anythin' other than some semblance of okay. Those boundaries.... help. We're all adults here. I.. kinda figured you were sleepin' with him already so it wasn't so much a surprise.
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surprisingly, what he says stings more than she lets on and she can't hide it in her voice. ]
Where you stand in the mess of things? Do you think I have you ranked on a list? There's you and there's Sweeney. And you're not just 'okay'.
[ she struggles with articulating, and before she can even think about it the words come out. ]
You're more. To me.
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You and Sweeney.. He loves you. I don't know if he knows it yet or if he's said anything but. [Raylan knew the seeds of it all when he saw it.] I don't want to get in the way of that.
I want the both of you to be happy. You guys deserve to know what that feels like. [It was the most subtle him cutting himself out of a picture, but it was, at least, more honest on its face than he'd been before.]
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[ she says it quietly, somewhere between him asking her the first question and Sweeney being in love with her. she thinks she understands now. getting rejected is something else that's new. she's usually the one doing the rejecting. and wow does it feel shitty. how had she missed the signs?
because she's turned into a fucking fool. the kind who foolishly believed she'd been brought back by a potion that needed blood from someone who loved her but didn't really. not the same someone who was on the barge, even though he'd become more than just some fuck buddy.
she was the fucking fool who left herself open to the charm of some Southern gentleman after a breach fucked with her head. Raylan talks about lists but she knows he's got lovers. she's tempted to ask where she ranks in it.
but with all the doubt running through her head of never being worth something to someone, she knows better than to think she even deserves any kind of real happiness. ]
I don't agree. He's fucked up and broken and that's not what he's looking for. Not from me. He's just looking for an escape like the rest of us. Maybe try and smooth over whatever guilt he feels about me or what he did because Wednesday made him. After he died, it didn't fucking matter anymore.
[ a pause ]
Look, I know the confines of what we decided to be and the breach played with that. I'll understand if you think you need to change those perimeters.
[ he doesn't need this mess of bullshit. ]
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He doesn't interrupt. He doesn't argue. It hurt him for her that she felt that way about Red. That Red felt that way about her, though everything was taken with a grain of perspective salt.
He's silent for a long handful of stretching seconds.]
And if I don't? Think I need to change the parameters. What then? [What if he still wants to try to have those 'be in the moment and feel it' moments with her. What if he wasn't rejecting anything, just still unable to promise like he was before.]
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laura prepares for a very different answer and finds herself letting go of a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. ]
Then nothing changes. Everything stays the same.
[ it goes unsaid, but she needs him; his touch, his attention, and the way he makes her feel seen. ]
I like being around you. I don't want to give that up.
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I don't want to give it up either. An' maybe that makes me greedy, I don't know..
Will you come see me? [They should talk more, but it seemed like the hardest part of it was done and over with and the rest.. Well, the rest would be better face to face.]
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[ she may not sound like it yet, but there's a hint of a smile on her lips. after another moment she answers his next question. ]
Yeah, I can. Where?
[ they seem to have a thing for the deck, but she's hoping for somewhere a little more private and out of public view. ]
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>> Action
Laura doesn't take long and is there within fifteen minutes. She opts for something a little more casual; a longer floral midi skirt with a plain white t-shirt and her hair up in a loose bun. It seems the smarter choice since showing up in what he saw her in last seemed wrong on a whole bunch of levels.
She lets herself in, as he'd instructed, slipping off her flats at the door before padding her way through and tilting her head to see if she could spot him. But as soon as she stops at the door she can see him down by the shoreline.
He likely already knew she arrived, but she slips a hand onto his shoulder to let him know she was there before sitting down beside him in the sand.
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"You want a beer?" He'd already opened his but there was another sticking in the sand next to him, ready for her if she wanted it. If not, well. He could handle swallowing down two beers.
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She remembers the last time she was in his beach, and the flurry of excitement they were enveloped in makes the view a little more of a first time for her. But it's him that she focuses on before taking a sip of the beer.
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"Let me ask you somethin' darlin'. Are you ashamed of what you get up to with Red? Or... ashamed of someone seein' you lettin' half your walls down with someone else?"
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"No," she answers truthfully, shaking her head. After everything she and Sweeney have explored together so far, Laura can easily say that the markings she's received from him haven't been intentionally covered up. But then no one has asked about them either. "But I've found myself in a situation where I'm a little more worried about what someone I care about thinks about me and the... certain things I do when I'm letting half my walls down."
That someone she cares about is him, if he doesn't pick up on it.
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"I think you and him have somethin'. Maybe it ain't love, maybe you're right, but. There's somethin' there, and I ain't blind or stupid. But I ain't about to judge how you enjoy him, darlin', or you enjoyin' him at all. I'd be a hypocrite if I did that.." Considering all he's done. He shifts and lifts an arm in invitation for her.
"I think you're tryin' to find some peace. We both are. I've got no-.." He lets a breath out of his nose.
"Olenor and Astrah haunt me. What they had. And while my position hasn't changed, I don't wanna lose you. I don't care that you're sleepin' with Red and I don't care how. That's not gonna make me care any less about you."
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Laura keeps her gaze out on the water, though she's not looking at it. Whatever argument she might have had where Sweeney and she were concerned seemed to be shoved under a stack of unfiled shit. Finding herself nodding, she takes another sip of her beer.
Peace would be nice. Only at the moment, it feels more like a pipe dream, sitting out of arms reach with a lot of other things she'd love to have. Someone was within arms reach and she smiles in acceptance of his invitation to get closer, which she doesn't hesitate to take.
"You won't lose me," Laura tells him honestly, shaking her head and leaning her head against the front of his shoulder. He's become something of a constant for her; a safe harbour. When she's with him the world slows down, at least long enough for her to enjoy their time together. "And thank you for telling me that. It's been a while since somebody did."
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He hums at her first answer, giving her a faint smile as she leans against him. He knew that they were talking about the time that they had here, provisions built in. That didn't mean it still wasn't going to hurt. That he was going to lose her anyway. He grips her shoulder a little.
"If it's been a while since you've heard that, then I should make sure the rest of what you oughta be hearin' is up to date." He smiles down at her.
"You're beautiful. You're funny. Ballsy as hell and more brave and darin' than any woman I've ever known and I'm glad to know you."
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She smiles, gaze bouncing from his eyes to his lips while a hand comes up to touch his face lightly.
"You know it's going to go to my head, right? Guess I'll have to kiss you for it," she hums seriously, though it's clear she's feigning a laugh.
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"Oh no, what a terrible fate for both your head an' my lips," he teases, bending down to meet her and steal her lips before she can steal his. He's temped to lean back, to lay into the sand with her, but the worry that it was too soft, too- too intimate won the internal argument.
He breaks the kiss with a smile.
"I want you to be comfortable here, darlin'. A retreat if you want. A place you're not gonna get judged.. A place where we can both be okay." He wanted the security too. He was looking for people he could be himself with. Properly himself. As 'himself' as he can be.
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A place where we can both be okay.
Her smile mirrors his and turns warmer as he speaks and her eyes turn softer. Up until the moment he said it, she never knew a place like that existed, but she really likes the idea of a place where she didn't have to feel like her past was something to discuss or there to remind her of all the reasons she wasn't good enough before. It was a place to hide away from the world with someone who was okay with her figuring herself out as she went.
A place where they could be Astrah and Olenor, if only for the night.
"I already do," Laura says, nodding slightly. "And right here is the safest place I've felt in a long time."
No, not the beach, as lovely as it was, but right there under his arm.
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"To the very best of my ability, Laura. That I promise you." He kisses her again, arm strong around her shoulders as he pulls her in. This time he does lay back, taking her with him if she'd let him and by nature of his hold, aiming to settle her head on his arm. When the kiss breaks, he speaks again.
"An' I've even got a spare room if you need to use it." If she needed a safe place but one that could give her space of her own, armed cowboy a complimentary security package downstairs.